That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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