i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
