farters have to be the big spoon...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
