I hate your face
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
