Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
