i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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