no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I need to align my fucking chakras
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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