Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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