Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
