listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
