i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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