she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
