With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
