i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
