420 ftw
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
