Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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