The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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