So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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