How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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