I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
