please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
