Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Randomize
