Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
