Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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