the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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