Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
