watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
