My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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