so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
