Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
