when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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