and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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