I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Verdict: uncircumcised.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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