just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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