Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
