i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i wish my penis had a tongue
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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