Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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