Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
