I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you are never too drunk for berry picking
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
