i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
