those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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