bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I still have a little drunk in my system
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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