every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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