life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
