After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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