Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
