I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize