I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
