I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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