My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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