We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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