The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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