we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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