You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
