When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
